RANT-O-RAMA OBTAINS TIME MACHINE

Through an incredible feat of technology, RANT-O-RAMA has obtained a time machine on loan from a certain Prof. Peabody. After some reverse engineering, this “way-back machine” was set to Thursday night, producing this result: an AP article from the very near future, namely tonight just after the Presidential debate. Remember folks, you read it here first.

(AP) -In a stunning display of raw emotion never before seen on national television, President George W. Bush appeared to suffer a psychological breakdown during last night’s square-off with Democratic nominee John Kerry.

Political commentators were quick to agree that Bush  won the debate.

Observers first suspected a change in Bush’s emotional state when, following a blistering attack from Kerry, a large, apparently wet stain began to appear on the front of the President’s pants.

Laying his head upon the podium, Bush began to speak in a soft, high-pitched voice.  His microphone was able to pick up questions apparently aimed at his father, former President George H.W. Bush, rather than his opponent. “Daddy.  Daddy.  Daddy, why don’t you love me? ” Bush whimpered.

Cokie Roberts, in a post debate roundtable on ABC,  stated that such actions “clearly presented a softer, sensitive side” of Bush,  “that every man in America will identify with.”

Moments later Bush appeared to regain his energy, bolting upright and loudly asking “What’s a nigga got to do to get a drink around here?”  He then began pounding on the podium while chanting “Jack and Coke, Jack and Coke, Jack and Coke” repeatedly.

MSNBC’s Chris Matthews was quick to point out how the alcohol reference would resonate with “Joe Six-pack,” while CNN’s Wolf Blitzer heralded Bush’s use of “the `N’ word,” as “an appeal to the hippity-hop generation.”

As Bush crumpled to the floor, his rival, Massachusetts Senator John Kerry, implored the audience to “give the President some air.”  Kerry also called out to the audience, asking “Is there a doctor in the house?” a clear violation of the debate rules.

FoxNews anchor Brit Hume lambasted Kerry for his “patronizing attitude,” while ABC’s Peter Jennings stated that he felt that “No American watching is going to want to vote for a candidate who doesn’t know if a doctor actually is in the house, I’m sure aboot that.”

On CBS, Dan Rather told his network’s viewers that the debate was being carried via a pool arrangement of cameras, and that he could not verify that Bush actually was curled up in a fetal position.

Bush’s debate performance was seen by most as dealing a harsh blow to Kerry’s presidential aspirations.

“If a soiled heap of laundry on the floor isn’t what we need in our war against those who would do us harm, I don’t know who is,” stated debate moderator Jim Lehrer.